I’ve long been fascinated with immortality. Vampires, gods, the fountain of youth, Ra’s al Ghul, all have garnered my interest at one time or another. I’ve often been asked what my interest in the subject is. Obviously the easiest answer is that I fear death and while many put on a brave face and say they don’t fear death, many of those same people show their true colors once death is finally upon them. That’s not to say that there are not people that don’t fear death, just that many do and I happen to be one of them. But honestly that isn’t my biggest concern when dealing with the issue of mortality.

I’m not going to deny it, I am a selfish person. I’m estimating here but I would garner a guess that 95% of everything I do has some sort of selfish motivation behind it. I may come off as a genuinely nice guy but deep down I am an asshole. I’m OK with that, my friends are OK with that and most importantly my wife is OK with that. However there is that 5% sliver motivation that is not devoted to myself and that gets devoted primarily to my family and friends. I view myself to be quite the loyal friend and family (especially my kids) come before most of my selfish ambitions, which brings me to my biggest concern when dealing with mortality.

As I said before I am afraid of death, more so the suffering and the unknown that accompanies death but I am more concerned about what I leave behind. This past Monday afternoon my wife’s father died of a heart attack after having surgery a couple hours earlier. The pain and suffering, the emptiness and loneliness that has struck my wife, her sister and her mother is something I can’t even fathom. On the surface they seem to be holding it together but deep down I know a piece of them has broken and that is what I fear the most about mortality.

I never want to hurt my family (or friends) in the way that death does. I spend my whole life attempting to make sure they are taken care of to the best of my abilities, be it through laughter, physical strength, mental fortitude or whatever but by dying I feel I would hurt and I don’t ever want to hurt them. I know it isn’t something that anyone has control over but it is something that eats at me about the human plight.

I’ve had this conversation with many people over the years and the biggest argument they can come up with is that if I live forever and everyone else around me dies, each time a loved one of mine dies I will break a little bit. I don’t know if there is a counter argument to that point but in the end I would rather be hurt than have me hurt someone else.

I’m not sure where I planned on going with this but I’m tired right now (both physically and emotionally) and I just needed to vent that out.