The Transformers ran in the US from 1984 to 1987. Like many weekday afternoon cartoons, it suffered from half-assed animation and, when you look at it, poor writing and one-take voice acting. After its run ended in the US with the three-part Headmasters episode, Japan took it over with Transformers: Headmasters, finishing the arc as they saw fit. Not to be outdone, they continued with another series. Transformers: Super-God Masterforce, Transformers: Victory, and the completely mysterious Transformers: Zone.

A few days ago, I was curious as to what I had missed out on, so I went on YouTube to see. I lead myself through a series of original series episodes, watched the end of The Return of Optimus Prime, and wondered what I was thinking as a child when I had originally watched this.

And then I found Transformers: Headmasters. I don’t know what I watched, exactly, but Alpha Trion—this old Transformer guy— zapped the Autobot Matrix of Leadership, originally the animated movie’s MacGuffin — and then I think Optimus Prime was supposed to save the day by killing himself and then Hot Rod became Optimus prime and then I read a comment that talked about Transformers joining hands and shooting rainbows.

Yes, you read that correctly. The Japanese people turned the Transformers into the Care Bears.

After that I watched a kid scream at his cat Reo for being a cat, and then dug up a clip from American Idol.

And then today, what do I see recommended by YouTube?

And like an idiot, I watched it. And then I wanted to punch Japanese people.

It’s not the opening titles, which are a full song—and an 80′s J-Pop song no less—and it’s not the random blank screen with circular lights coming out of nowhere. It’s the worse-than-American dialogue, the weird squishy-robotic sounds everything makes, and what looks like a new version of Headmasters———Facemasters.

I have no clue why I’m telling you all of this. I guess it was because I have nothing better to do while waiting for the next phase of my laundry.